Ah, that would be the sound of my biological clock exploding.
Everywhere I turn, somebody is pregnant or has an infant. Don't get me wrong, I LOOOOVE babies! My problem is that I no longer have the luxury of deciding to have another little critter. Okay, technically I do, but it would be the most unwise decision of my life. The timer on my oven is broken. Doesn't like to bake my little buns long enough. Combined with two back to back horrendous medical nightmare pregnancies, getting pregnant again, is just completely out of the question. And yet.
I long for the baby I never got to raise. I long for the little girl that God never blessed me with. I long for one more chance to feel life inside of me.
Then I hear the boys fighting and realize I must be delusional. If I were to get knocked up today, I would be having the kid when I'm nearly 42. I don't want to be a 60 year old mom at my child's graduation. I don't have that kind of strength in me anymore. There's a reason women are easily able to conceive in their 20's. They're not full of knowledge like being able to feel an eye roll behind your back from a sullen teenager, or the embarrassment of sitting in an emergency room because your child stuck a hot dog up his nose. Again.
There's no way in Hell I'm dealing with arthritis, incontinence AND a teenager in my 50's. Then again, I'm already dealing with all of it in my 40's so what's a few more years? Ahem..
So, if I know in my heart and soul that babies at my age are out of the question, then WHY can't I stop feeling jealous over seeing a growing tummy or getting all sappy over the sweet cheeks of a chubby toothless grin? Because I'm a sentimental sucker.
40 sucks. Too old to be a new mommy, too young to be a grandma. Well, young at heart anyway. Mentally, I'm still in my 20's, Emotionally, I'm a solid 35. Physically, I'm 86. I never thought turning 40 would be such an emotional struggle over children I decided no longer to conceive years ago. Damn broken uterus.
I totally get why my mom works in a daycare. After 6 kids and 11 grand kids, she gets to love on squishy little chubby cheeks all day long, the turn them back over to their parents at the end of the day, go home and NOT have anyone screaming at the crack of dawn. She also loves buying noisy toys for Christmas. Mother's revenge.
I hope I'm able to get past my conflicting emotions soon. Eventually I will be a grandma, and if not, maybe I'll follow mom's lead and work in a daycare to get my baby fix. Until one leaks body fluids on me. Then I'm outta there. It's bad enough I have to worry whether I make it to the bathroom on time. I can't be getting peed on while I'm peeing on myself.
*Sigh* That sums it all up. I'm not birthing any more critters. But feel free to loan me yours. I need to smell baby head and formula breath every now and then.
