Dreaming big isn't a skill I have always had. Sure, I could day dream about things like what it might be like to win the lottery. Every body does that, but dreaming BIG was never something I knew how to do. Call it a self esteem issue. I spent 41 years being content in my little shell and never allowing myself to have anything for me. Life was about work, paying bills, sleeping little and eating all wrong. There was no sunshine, just rain and at best, partly cloudy days.
Then the clouds broke. My depression lifted for the first time in, well, ever. Sure, I've been treated for depression in the past, but I came to realize I was just letting myself think that everything was as good as it got and I should just be happy with that, except I didn't know that until the clouds went away. I feel like I've never seen the sunshine until a couple of months ago. I thought I knew what happy was, but I was merely letting myself feel the "as good as it's going to get", not true happiness with myself.
MYSELF.
I've come to realize I never let myself have dreams, hope, or anything remotely good. I put the whole world before me. Little by little, I've found my self love growing and with that love, I've found the strength to dream. Dream BIG. I want a house, I want to drive my very own car, I want to work in a Children's hospital helping little kids breathe. I want that pretty chair I saw in a store window today. I dream of building my house the way I see it in my head and feel it in my heart. It's not good enough to just live in a box full of rooms. I want MY dream. I know I need a car at the moment because they're better on gas, but in my dreams, I want a big dually truck with huge stacks and mud tires so big I need a ladder to climb in. Then I'm going to paint it camo pink because that's what I see in MY dreams. My dreams take me across the country. I have so many people that I love that I want to visit.
I dream of stretching my mind. Growing and learning to earn my degree. I love school. I love it so much. I never thought I could go to school. I never allowed myself to dream I could have scored so high on my placement tests or that I would be having a psychology exam next week. I love learning so much that I take my books to work with me. I've already finished my second week of classes. It's already been two weeks. Two years will be over in the blink of an eye. My dreams are so close to coming true.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
It's Been A Week
One week ago today, I started my classes as a first time college student. So far, so good. My math grade is currently 100% and I go to my first music class tomorrow. Not sure how I'm going to like it, but I'm willing to give it everything I've got. I'm excited to hear my first class discussion on a reading we did this week. I wonder if anyone will appreciate my point of view? Then there is psychology. I feel like I'm actually learning something by reading my text book. It's not what I expected and I'm finding it fascinating.
I'm learning to mix home work, school and working outside the home as well as being able to spend more time with my kids. My goal is to get on a better schedule so that I can have dinner done a little earlier each night, and bed times earlier too. I shot for a 9:30 goal tonight and missed it by about an hour. It's much better than it was a month or two ago, when I wasn't getting home until well after 11 pm. The kids would fluctuate between falling asleep before I got home so I wouldn't get to see them at all, to staying up until nearly 2 in the morning because they couldn't fall asleep after waiting up for me and getting their "second wind". We've have a rough, complicated schedule and it affected all of us negatively. I am thrilled to be home before 9 pm every night now.
This was also my first weekend working just the morning shift. I love it. I was able to take my homework with me and get a little reading done between the breakfast and lunch crowds. I wasn't ideal, but I didn't want to waste a precious minute. I was able to get one assignment done and a good chunk read for my psychology class.
I'm trying to keep good sleep and study habits. I don't want to lose my momentum. Hopefully keeping this blog updated will keep me motivated so I have good things to post.
I'm learning to mix home work, school and working outside the home as well as being able to spend more time with my kids. My goal is to get on a better schedule so that I can have dinner done a little earlier each night, and bed times earlier too. I shot for a 9:30 goal tonight and missed it by about an hour. It's much better than it was a month or two ago, when I wasn't getting home until well after 11 pm. The kids would fluctuate between falling asleep before I got home so I wouldn't get to see them at all, to staying up until nearly 2 in the morning because they couldn't fall asleep after waiting up for me and getting their "second wind". We've have a rough, complicated schedule and it affected all of us negatively. I am thrilled to be home before 9 pm every night now.
This was also my first weekend working just the morning shift. I love it. I was able to take my homework with me and get a little reading done between the breakfast and lunch crowds. I wasn't ideal, but I didn't want to waste a precious minute. I was able to get one assignment done and a good chunk read for my psychology class.
I'm trying to keep good sleep and study habits. I don't want to lose my momentum. Hopefully keeping this blog updated will keep me motivated so I have good things to post.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Let's Begin Again
It seems I've tried a few times to get this blog up and running, and trying to post on a regular basis. It just wasn't happening. Maybe I had to much in my life at the time, or maybe I just posted all my good stuff on Facebook? No matter. I have something to post about now and I'm going to try to keep it up.
Yesterday was my first day of college. It felt like where I belonged. I even came home from my first day and did all of my math homework. I hate math, especially algebra, but I did it and I felt like I actually accomplished something. I like both of my instructors and I have two more to meet. I'm sure I'm going to like them too.
So why college? Why now?
This summer, I went back to Charleston where I had been living when our son passed away. I went back to the hospital where he had died and made my peace with the world once and for all. It was the final thing I needed to do for myself to move on to my last phase of grief. Shortly after we came back, I turned 41.
One night, I was working at the store frying a 30 pound box of bacon. It was hot in the kitchen, I was tired and feeling sorry for myself. I came to the conclusion that there was more to my life than standing in a hot kitchen frying bacon. Sure, I made light of it all, joking about it on Facebook, but deep down, I couldn't continue to live that life. I barely made above minimum wage and my family was suffering right along with me. Life had to change.
I went into counseling and started antidepressants (I have major depressive disorder and anxiety). I looked hard at my life and found that I've always wanted to work in the medical field and with kids. I also wanted to make a difference in someones care. It didn't take long to decide I wanted to be a respiratory therapist and that I want to specialize in neonatal and pediatrics.
My son had many wonderful people that took care of him and some that should not have been around kids at all. The two that really stick in my mind that gave him sub-par care were both respiratory therapists. In doing my research in a career, I found that RTs only get about 3 credit hours out of their entire college education learning about pediatric airways. I figured since I can change a trach with one hand while hanging upside down that I was more than qualified to sway the pendulum the other direction and become a GREAT pediatric RT. I will keep you posted on how it's going.
Yesterday was my first day of college. It felt like where I belonged. I even came home from my first day and did all of my math homework. I hate math, especially algebra, but I did it and I felt like I actually accomplished something. I like both of my instructors and I have two more to meet. I'm sure I'm going to like them too.
So why college? Why now?
This summer, I went back to Charleston where I had been living when our son passed away. I went back to the hospital where he had died and made my peace with the world once and for all. It was the final thing I needed to do for myself to move on to my last phase of grief. Shortly after we came back, I turned 41.
One night, I was working at the store frying a 30 pound box of bacon. It was hot in the kitchen, I was tired and feeling sorry for myself. I came to the conclusion that there was more to my life than standing in a hot kitchen frying bacon. Sure, I made light of it all, joking about it on Facebook, but deep down, I couldn't continue to live that life. I barely made above minimum wage and my family was suffering right along with me. Life had to change.
I went into counseling and started antidepressants (I have major depressive disorder and anxiety). I looked hard at my life and found that I've always wanted to work in the medical field and with kids. I also wanted to make a difference in someones care. It didn't take long to decide I wanted to be a respiratory therapist and that I want to specialize in neonatal and pediatrics.
My son had many wonderful people that took care of him and some that should not have been around kids at all. The two that really stick in my mind that gave him sub-par care were both respiratory therapists. In doing my research in a career, I found that RTs only get about 3 credit hours out of their entire college education learning about pediatric airways. I figured since I can change a trach with one hand while hanging upside down that I was more than qualified to sway the pendulum the other direction and become a GREAT pediatric RT. I will keep you posted on how it's going.
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