4.0

There it is, a cropped screenshot from my computer. I have been working my tail off since January and it's finally there to see, in black and white. I worked 25 hours a week, held down a full course load, took care of my family and managed a 4.0 GPA.

It was not easy. After my lack of a spring break, I got burned out. My perfect attendance failed. A couple of times, my depression had me ready to quit, but I pressed on. And on, and on. I wrote papers in my head and made notes at work between customers. I did algebra on slow Sunday mornings.  I did homework constantly, anywhere I could grab a minute. I learned to make flash cards to remember composers for my music class. I learned that a take home test isn't always better. I learned to do my algebra homework the day I learned the formulas or have them lost to my brain forever.

Mostly, I learned about me. When I found out that the RT program was out of my reach, I was thrown. I thought if I made a decision, I needed to stick to it and make it happen. Not the way it works. I had to learn to adapt and be fluid. I had to stick one toe out of my comfort zone and look around at what else was in the world.

I looked at U of L and Jefferson Community College. I looked at WKU. I researched programs and searched my own heart for what I needed and wanted in my life. I chose the career path of RT because I knew I wanted to be in a field that would help others like Tommy had been helped. I didn't want to go into nursing and I didn't want to be a social worker with my hands tied. I don't want to be an accountant, a lawyer, or a baker. I want to work with people, but in a medical capacity that isn't sitting typing all day. I want to interact, and I wanted to focus on kids. Being an RT fulfilled all of those, but the program doesn't open again for me until 2016, and for an Associate's degree, financial aid will only pay for me to attend school for 3 years. I saw so many signs that it wasn't for me. Fluid..

In my research, I found that Western Kentucky University (WKU) has a campus right next to the campus I attend now. I researched everything they offered stuck out a couple of more toes out of my comfort zone and found out what I could do with a BA in Sociology. Turns out, LOTS. Parole officer, Workforce recruiter, Disabilities advocate... and there it was.... Child Life Specialist. Honestly, about half of the things I found I could do with the degree interested me off the bat (and it was a very long list), but CLS jumped out at me for all of my reasons and criteria for a great career for me.

The day I turned in my books to the campus bookstore, I went to the records office and officially changed my major to a Associate's of Arts to transfer in 2015 to WKU to enter their Bachelor's of Arts in Sociology program. I'm really excited, but I'm keeping myself fluid and trying to keep inching out of my comfort zone into a world that I never knew I could love so much.

For now, it's summer break for me until August, then I head back to class. My original plan was to work full time over the summer to pay my bills until I can get more financial aid and attend class full time. It's looking like I won't get the hours I had hoped for any time soon, so until then, I'm making the best of it, including not having internet access at home. Just a small price to pay for being able to attend classes full time and have a degree in a couple of years. I will update more about my summer as I can!

Three In The Morning

This has been the most difficult two weeks of school. I've taken two tests, written a paper on a difficult subject, attended a musical performance that I will also be writing a paper on, and basically stress eaten my way through all of it. School is coming to an end, and just like any other college student at the end of the semester, I'm up because I just finished writing a paper that was due two days ago. Don't panic, it's just the rough draft. I still have another week to make any changes I need to the paper.

I have cried, eaten, consumed more caffeine that should be humanly allowed and tried to sleep more than I was awake. All in the name of succeeding in college. All of this would feel normal if I were 19 and living in a dorm, but I'm not. I'm a married 41 year old mom responsible for 2 1/2 kids. (yeah, the half one only lives here on the weekends for now)

In some ways, I wish I had a little bit longer in school. It has become a part of me. I am making friends, learning new things and feeling amazing. However, school IS ending for the semester. Time for more major tests, final grades and final goodbyes. On May 14, I will return my rented books to the bookstore and walk away for the summer. My only wish is that I were financially able to take the summer off to spend with my family. I will be going back to work full time as soon as they find the hours for me.

Which leads me to another dilemma. The owners have cut back on our hours, so there is no way for me to return to my job full time, which is necessary to cover living expenses for the summer until I get financial aid again in the fall. It's looking a little scary, but life has worked itself out one day at a time for me for the past 41 years, so good or bad, I'm going in head on.

As you can see from the title of this post, it is 3 in the morning. I need to wake the boys up for school in 4 hours, then a few hours after that, I have class myself. I have been up writing a  1200 word paper on my views about restraints in special needs classrooms. A very touchy subject. One very difficult to research and to stomach. I hope I did it justice.

With that, I'm off for a bit of sleep. Good night!

Monkey Wrenches, New Paths and An English Grade

After seeing my faculty advisor, talking to a few other students and a lot of soul searching, I think I've come up with a plan for the rest of my academic career. There was a monkey wrench thrown into the works a few weeks ago, so let me explain the predicament first.

The respiratory therapy program only accepts students every two years. The next time they will accept is in the spring, however, I will not have the correct/enough prerequisite classes in time to be accepted. The next cycle would not start until 2016. That would mean, I would have to take all of my prerequisites this fall and next spring, then wait two years for the next cycle. That isn't in my game plan. I really do want to work as an RT, but those reasons don't confine me to one career option. I want to work in a hospital setting, I don't want to be a nurse and I don't want to do something like medical coding or insurance. I want to work with patients and I want to make a difference in people's lives.

When Tommy was going through his hospital experiences, I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but after he died, I gave up on that dream because I couldn't see myself around patients. I couldn't bear the thought of setting foot into a hospital. After lots of therapy and just flat out suffering and working through the grief, I'm prepared to go for what I love.

Bearing in mind, I still need to talk to the guidance office, I have decided to change my major. I'm going to do the "two and two" program at my current school, then transfer to a 4 year university, probably WKU since they have a local campus that offers what I need. With the two and two, I can get my Associates in Applied Science, then move on to get my Bachelor's in Health Science with a minor in Social Services. With this, I can be a Patient Care Advocate and speak for those who can't. I only wanted to go for RT because, yes, I loved the idea of that kind of career, but also because I thought I could complete everything and be in a job within 3 years. That is not going to happen, so instead of giving up on one dream, I'm tailoring it to fit my life and maybe even go on to do bigger and better things with my life.

I want to make a difference. I want to be able to help a parent that might not know how to navigate the system. I had to get my bearings the hard way and it wasn't an easy feat. As a parent to a medically fragile child, I have experience with that side of the system. As a PCA, I will have the ability to open doors for people that I never knew existed. That fires me up as much as going for my RT, if not more.

On a side note, I got back my English paper... I got an "A".

Spring Break, Take Two

Last week was my spring break, and this week and next week, the kids are out. There's been lots of late night parties around here. Meaning, they fall asleep on the couch playing Minecraft on the Xbox. I've been back in class, preparing to write paper number two for English class, studying memory in psychology and tests coming up in both Music and Algebra early next week. Between homework, class and work, I try to catch a little sleep. There's not much time for anything else, like, say housework.

I've been trying to convince the kids to clean house for me all week while they've been home. I came home from work this morning and asked Matthew why he hadn't done dishes. "I fell back asleep." Awwww. Poor tired baby! How hard it must be to play video games all day long and then try to hold up your head to wash a plate or two, while mommy goes to work, comes home, does homework, then goes to class. I really do understand the whole animal eating their young thing.

I marched him back into the house (I found him outside picking up limbs from the yard instead of doing his own chores) and told him it was time to clean their bathroom. He made a show of putting on giant yellow gloves and a gas mask. I don't care... clean the toilet already. I've spent the last hour or so doing homework while he was "supposed" to be cleaning. I can hear him chatting with his brother and no sounds of scrubbing at all. It's going to get ugly, I fear.

This weekend is Easter and I am working. I will have to take my books to work and hopefully Sunday will be slow enough to get some studying done for my tests. I do have some time off before Sunday, but it will be the only time I have to spend with my family for the holiday, so I'm going to have to steal moments when I can. I love my family, I really, really do...

...but I hear giggling from down the hall. I'm off to find a big stick from the yard to chase him around with
until the bathroom is shiny.

Spring Break

Last week was spring break. A time to relax and recharge before heading back into the trenches. HA! Instead of going to class, I worked. When I wasn't working, I was writing a 1000 word English paper. Relax? Recharge?? I nearly fell asleep at work Sunday morning. I was never so happy for break to be over so I could get back to class. I pulled a Hail Mary and my paper was finished Sunday night, but when I went to print, I was out of printer ink. Off to Walmart. I ended up buying a small printer I could keep next to my desk instead of more ink. The printer only cost a dollar more and it came with both ink colors. Buying ink for the all in one is still needed, but it can wait another week. I've been needing this printer for a long time and running out of ink was a blessing in disguise.

The rest of spring break is a bit of a blur. Classes ended on March 7 for me and I went back yesterday, March 18. I worked 8 out of the 10 days, rotating between night shift and day shift. I've been living off of Java Monster and chicken strips. On my two days off, I squeezed in several loads of laundry. If this is what is summer vacation is looking like, I am running away.

Yesterday, I returned to class and did a peer review over our papers. I don't know if it's my lack of shame, my bold personality or sheer stupidity, but I always volunteer to go first. After reading my paper out loud, looking for mistakes and waiting for their critiques, they looked at each other and said they weren't reading their papers after that. Huh? I guess my hard work really did pay off. The only critique they could come up with was that I used the same descriptive word in one paragraph three times. I can totally fix that. I am 28 words over my goal anyway, so changing a little wording isn't going to throw off the entire process. My biggest concern is that my instructor sees my hard work the same way I do. I'm not looking to just pass this class, or any of my classes for that matter, I'm looking to pass my classes with flying colors.

I'm glad to be back in class. This week is business as usual, but next week, the boys go on spring break for two weeks and the week of April 1, my step son goes on break as well. We're hoping he can come stay with us, so I'm trying to get some serious house cleaning done between classes. Yesterday, I attacked my kitchen sink and counters with a can of Comet and a grout brush, then I set Matthew to work washing dishes in the now sparkly sinks. I know I'm going to be on my hands and knees cleaning by the end of next week. After going back to work at the store instead of class, I would much rather be cleaning my kitchen floor. It was great reminder as to why I am working so hard in college. I don't love my job anymore and I'm ready for a change in my life.

Tomorrow, I meet with my faculty adviser about what classes to take next semester. I've done some research and if I am correct, then next semester would be Math 110, Biology 137, Sociology and some sort of oral communications class. It would be the rest of my prerequisites for my major. I'm also planning on attending the pre-admissions conference for respiratory care in April. I don't know if I would be able to get in to the Spring 2014 rotation or not. I'm hoping I can. I'm working my tail off for it. If not, I'll keep taking classes until the next rotation opens. Maybe I will even be a double major. I'm not sure in what, but I'm not quitting over a class rotation. I will update how my meeting goes to see if I am on the right track.

Since When Is Writing Hard?

I've been struggling for the past few days with coming up with a topic for my midterm paper for my writing class. It wasn't easy, and I hope my topic isn't too mainstream and boring. I'm just going to go with it and give it everything I've got. I can change later if I need to, I guess. Up until about 3 hours ago, searching for a topic has consumed every waking moment, and a few while sleeping. The topic had to come from pop culture, has to be an analytical piece, have an argument and proof of that argument.

When I think of pop culture, I think of celebrities, television, movies, popular books, things like that. Oh good grief. I only watch 4 shows on tv when I have the time. "Grey's Anatomy", "Glee", "Bones" and "RuPaul's Drag Race". The last movie I watched was "Pitch Perfect". The books I read aren't every one's cup of tea and I doubt most people would recognize them. I wracked my brains, wondering if I should analyse the relationship between Meredith Grey and .... pick one. What is "good" drag? Ah, No. I thought I could use Friday the 13th as a basis for a good paper. The day, not the movie. But then, I decided that a superstitious date isn't exactly pop culture. Is it? I still don't know.

I wanted to be able to argue my point with whatever topic I chose. I wanted it to be thought provoking and not just a review of my favorite tv show. I also wanted it to be something I believe in. While I'm sure that picking apart Meredith Grey would have been fun in another setting, I felt the need to ground myself in reality. I REALLY wanted to write about something compelling such as the need for research on heart defects, but that becomes an informative piece, not persuasive and watching kids die wasn't  pop culture either. I could write about how to change a trach all day long. I can blog with wit and sarcasm until my fingers fall off. All of these things would have been easy, but that isn't the point of the assignment. The class is Argumentative Writing.

I kept batting my ideas around and finally asked for suggestions on Facebook. I was able to narrow down the topic thanks to some wonderful friends and family. After seeing all of the ideas I had written down or in my head, one of their ideas sparked and I was able to run with it. (Thanks, Jamie!) Since I want to be able to argue and not just say "this is good, this is bad", the topic is perfect. So, until I have to revise my current outline, here is my thesis statement for my paper...

"The overuse of texting has taken away the social, verbal and written language skills of our society."

Duh!!! Blog much, Chickie girl? I use language every day and being able to write well is important to me. Of course, I text all the time, but there's a difference in texting a complete sentence and my son replying with fragments of words, intentional misspellings and at times, he actually uses the acronyms in a sentence. He actually pronounces "lol" as a word. Writing this paper is doing society a favor! Hehe.

This is about a 3 week process. I will update later after I've had it ripped apart by my instructor and classmates. Until then, have a great week!

Beating The Monster Down

Talking with a friend this week, I've really put my finger on what it feels like to deal daily with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. Having a mental disorder is like dealing with a giant monster. It lurks, waiting when I am most vulnerable. The depression and anxiety feed on my emotions and when the timing is just right, it attacks, trying to swallow me whole. I can feel myself being swallowed. It's suffocating and scary. I feel the need to scream or cry. I shake all over and my heart races.

As the monster engulfs me, I try to fight back, imagining that I have a big stick, fighting if off, back to its lurking corner. Most days lately, I've been successful. Other days, I need a bigger stick. Then there are the days when I am swallowed whole and there is nothing I can do but wait.

Physically, I am tired. I want to sleep. I am weepy and on edge. I don't know if a simple word will send me to tears or into a rage and then into tears. The tears fall on their own, like my emotions have taken over my tear ducts and pushed them out of my eyes without my control. The tears aren't sobs, but more of a constant trickle down my cheeks that won't stop until the overflow of emotions has returned to its previous safe level.

The anxiety is much worse than the depression these days. I worry, worry, worry. It's a constant feeling of what-ifs and whys. "I studied, but what if I didn't study enough?" "What if I don't get enough financial aid? What will I do?" "Why do I feel so inadequate in class? Don't I have a right to be here too?" "Why isn't Brandon home from school yet? The bus should have run five minutes ago." "What am I going to make for dinner that will make everyone happy?"  My brain never shuts off. Not even when I'm sleeping. My dreams are even filled with stress and worry.

Yesterday, I had a test in Music Appreciation. I've been studying all week for it. I took good notes, I read the chapter three times and even made flash cards. On my way to the test, I was feeling horrible. My stomach was upset, I was shaking, my heart racing. I zoned out to the point that my hubby gave me a friendly tap to bring me back to reality. When I asked him how he knew I was having an anxiety attack, he told me I've usually said something to him by this time in our trip. He then encouraged me and told me he knew I would do well.

I've found that the only thing to calm me down in the face of a test is copious amounts of caffeine consumed right before I head into class. At least then, I can blame my racing heart on the caffeine and not my anxiety. I get the added benefit of the caffeine helping me focus, but it's really not good for me. I need to learn new skills to deal with the monster.

For now, I continue to take my medication and keep my stick handy. My kind of depression is forever. A chemical imbalance in my brain that prevents me from having enough "happy juice". My depression is well controlled at the moment, and I continue to see a therapist to deal with my anxiety. It's not going away, but I hope with therapy and medication, I will find the tools I need to lead a life without a racing heart every time something MIGHT happen.

Until then, where's my stick?