Ah, that would be the sound of my biological clock exploding.
Everywhere I turn, somebody is pregnant or has an infant. Don't get me wrong, I LOOOOVE babies! My problem is that I no longer have the luxury of deciding to have another little critter. Okay, technically I do, but it would be the most unwise decision of my life. The timer on my oven is broken. Doesn't like to bake my little buns long enough. Combined with two back to back horrendous medical nightmare pregnancies, getting pregnant again, is just completely out of the question. And yet.
I long for the baby I never got to raise. I long for the little girl that God never blessed me with. I long for one more chance to feel life inside of me.
Then I hear the boys fighting and realize I must be delusional. If I were to get knocked up today, I would be having the kid when I'm nearly 42. I don't want to be a 60 year old mom at my child's graduation. I don't have that kind of strength in me anymore. There's a reason women are easily able to conceive in their 20's. They're not full of knowledge like being able to feel an eye roll behind your back from a sullen teenager, or the embarrassment of sitting in an emergency room because your child stuck a hot dog up his nose. Again.
There's no way in Hell I'm dealing with arthritis, incontinence AND a teenager in my 50's. Then again, I'm already dealing with all of it in my 40's so what's a few more years? Ahem..
So, if I know in my heart and soul that babies at my age are out of the question, then WHY can't I stop feeling jealous over seeing a growing tummy or getting all sappy over the sweet cheeks of a chubby toothless grin? Because I'm a sentimental sucker.
40 sucks. Too old to be a new mommy, too young to be a grandma. Well, young at heart anyway. Mentally, I'm still in my 20's, Emotionally, I'm a solid 35. Physically, I'm 86. I never thought turning 40 would be such an emotional struggle over children I decided no longer to conceive years ago. Damn broken uterus.
I totally get why my mom works in a daycare. After 6 kids and 11 grand kids, she gets to love on squishy little chubby cheeks all day long, the turn them back over to their parents at the end of the day, go home and NOT have anyone screaming at the crack of dawn. She also loves buying noisy toys for Christmas. Mother's revenge.
I hope I'm able to get past my conflicting emotions soon. Eventually I will be a grandma, and if not, maybe I'll follow mom's lead and work in a daycare to get my baby fix. Until one leaks body fluids on me. Then I'm outta there. It's bad enough I have to worry whether I make it to the bathroom on time. I can't be getting peed on while I'm peeing on myself.
*Sigh* That sums it all up. I'm not birthing any more critters. But feel free to loan me yours. I need to smell baby head and formula breath every now and then.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Whatcha Think?
I've been fiddling with my blog settings. I found that I could upload my very own picture as the background. I don't like that I can't figure out how to stretch it out and can only tile it because it has to be a certain compression. Boo!! No likey. Anyway, I LOVE this picture. It's a very small part of my back yard littered with walnuts and pears as they start falling from the trees.
Life in the coop has been quiet. Well, as quiet as 2 boys, 2 cats and a yard full of chickies can be. The boys are on break this week. I'm really happy about that because I never see them anymore. I go to work before they get home from school and most nights they're in bed when I get home. It sucks, but at least I'm 10 minutes away and their dad is home with them every single night. Still working on how to get Mr. B. to get his homework done. He thinks it's mommy time, and won't let anyone else help him, so I'm giving him some extra cuddle time and attention this week.
Our RIR chickies just started laying itty bitty eggs. Chickies lay "practice" eggs at first, then as their bodies become accustomed to laying, they start turning out the full sized eggs. With six or so hens (in addition to our first flock that already lays 5 eggs a day) laying one egg each per day..... Hubby said his mom suggested we give eggs for Christmas gifts since we are about to have eggs coming out of our ears. I was actually hoping that we could sell those eggs to be able to buy gifts instead, but I guess if we have no takers then I know what she's getting, *wink, wink*.
But for now, it's a beautiful day, the kids are out of school, I have the day off and there's pears ready for pickin'. Guess what I'm about to get them geared up to do? Totally not even going to tell them. Just going to make them get dressed for outside and haul them out into the yard with a bucket. By the time we get to the tree and the little gears start turning, they'll be too far away from the front door to make a run for it.
Life in the coop has been quiet. Well, as quiet as 2 boys, 2 cats and a yard full of chickies can be. The boys are on break this week. I'm really happy about that because I never see them anymore. I go to work before they get home from school and most nights they're in bed when I get home. It sucks, but at least I'm 10 minutes away and their dad is home with them every single night. Still working on how to get Mr. B. to get his homework done. He thinks it's mommy time, and won't let anyone else help him, so I'm giving him some extra cuddle time and attention this week.
Our RIR chickies just started laying itty bitty eggs. Chickies lay "practice" eggs at first, then as their bodies become accustomed to laying, they start turning out the full sized eggs. With six or so hens (in addition to our first flock that already lays 5 eggs a day) laying one egg each per day..... Hubby said his mom suggested we give eggs for Christmas gifts since we are about to have eggs coming out of our ears. I was actually hoping that we could sell those eggs to be able to buy gifts instead, but I guess if we have no takers then I know what she's getting, *wink, wink*.
But for now, it's a beautiful day, the kids are out of school, I have the day off and there's pears ready for pickin'. Guess what I'm about to get them geared up to do? Totally not even going to tell them. Just going to make them get dressed for outside and haul them out into the yard with a bucket. By the time we get to the tree and the little gears start turning, they'll be too far away from the front door to make a run for it.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Proof I'm No Chicken!
My life has done a complete change. No more driving hours to and from work. No more spending over half of my paycheck in gasoline. No more being away from my family. I don't know what changed inside me, but one day I guess I just got too tired of all of it. I happened to be with my mother in law and she wanted to stop for a soft drink. We pulled into a gas station and on the front door was a sign saying they were hiring.
Before I knew what I was doing, my mouth was moving and I had an application in my hand. Ten minutes later, I was speaking to the owner and setting up an interview. The next day I had the job. Just. Like. That. I didn't tell my former boss to take his job and shove it, but it danced all through my head. I hear he's still ticked off. Probably had to do with the fact he told me I "might" have to work 7 days a week for 3 months straight this winter if he had to leave town for family reasons. I could not imagine driving an hour each way, every day for 3 months with no days off. I'm beginning to see why my mouth started moving by itself the day I asked for an application!
I can't even begin to explain how different life already feels. It feels like I'm home all the time, despite working close to 40 hours. Just by working 15 minutes away, I've already added 10 hours a week to being home instead of on the road. Couple with the fact that one of us is always home with the kids now, instead of us relying on others to help us out.
Something else I love is feeling like I belong. When I worked out of town, my customers weren't my neighbors. I had nothing in common with them. Different school calendars, different laws, not to mention paying their school and city taxes and not my children's. I've lived in my town for three years now and I have never experienced it. I'm excited to get to know who my neighbors are and to finally feel that sense of community. I'm also going to have to get a map and study the area, because working and living in two different places really messes with a person's sense of direction. I need to get to know my town. I can't even explain how excited I am that I made the decision to change jobs. I HATE change, even good change, but I seem to be adjusting just fine.
On to other news.. It's getting colder outside, so we saw the need to update our little chickie coop. It's been completely revamped with lots of improvements. The biggest improvement is that one whole side now raises up to allow complete access to the inside for feeding, cleaning, or to check out our flock. We also added new and improved nesting boxes to the side instead of on the inside like before. It's also much, much taller to allow the chickies to roost easier inside. Our nuggets have grown so much since we first brought them home in a container no bigger than a shoe box. They're nearly full grown and laying one egg each every day. I actually got to see one lay an egg yesterday because their coop wasn't completed yet and they had to stay in the run to keep them safe. When the urge to lay strikes, well, it's not like the chickie can tell itself "not today". She cackled and turned in circles a few times, squatted for a second and when she stood up, there it was! Pretty cool stuff!
It's amazing the stuff I'm going to see now that I'm actually home!
Before I knew what I was doing, my mouth was moving and I had an application in my hand. Ten minutes later, I was speaking to the owner and setting up an interview. The next day I had the job. Just. Like. That. I didn't tell my former boss to take his job and shove it, but it danced all through my head. I hear he's still ticked off. Probably had to do with the fact he told me I "might" have to work 7 days a week for 3 months straight this winter if he had to leave town for family reasons. I could not imagine driving an hour each way, every day for 3 months with no days off. I'm beginning to see why my mouth started moving by itself the day I asked for an application!
I can't even begin to explain how different life already feels. It feels like I'm home all the time, despite working close to 40 hours. Just by working 15 minutes away, I've already added 10 hours a week to being home instead of on the road. Couple with the fact that one of us is always home with the kids now, instead of us relying on others to help us out.
Something else I love is feeling like I belong. When I worked out of town, my customers weren't my neighbors. I had nothing in common with them. Different school calendars, different laws, not to mention paying their school and city taxes and not my children's. I've lived in my town for three years now and I have never experienced it. I'm excited to get to know who my neighbors are and to finally feel that sense of community. I'm also going to have to get a map and study the area, because working and living in two different places really messes with a person's sense of direction. I need to get to know my town. I can't even explain how excited I am that I made the decision to change jobs. I HATE change, even good change, but I seem to be adjusting just fine.
On to other news.. It's getting colder outside, so we saw the need to update our little chickie coop. It's been completely revamped with lots of improvements. The biggest improvement is that one whole side now raises up to allow complete access to the inside for feeding, cleaning, or to check out our flock. We also added new and improved nesting boxes to the side instead of on the inside like before. It's also much, much taller to allow the chickies to roost easier inside. Our nuggets have grown so much since we first brought them home in a container no bigger than a shoe box. They're nearly full grown and laying one egg each every day. I actually got to see one lay an egg yesterday because their coop wasn't completed yet and they had to stay in the run to keep them safe. When the urge to lay strikes, well, it's not like the chickie can tell itself "not today". She cackled and turned in circles a few times, squatted for a second and when she stood up, there it was! Pretty cool stuff!
It's amazing the stuff I'm going to see now that I'm actually home!
Monday, September 12, 2011
It's Not What You Think
Ever get that nice pain that starts in you butt and shoots down your leg? Boy, I do and I would do just about anything to get rid of the pain. Today was no different. I needed a booty massage like nobody's business!
I limped in the door from work and started to put some things away in the kitchen. The pain shot down my leg and throbbed in my left hip. So I did what anybody in this situation would do. I asked the hubs to punch me in the ass. With each pelt, I felt the pain start to melt away. I was finally feeling the pain subside and I let out a satisfying groan. Or two. Okay, I was practically screaming like, well, you know.
That's when hubs started to laugh. I turned around to see we had awakened our 13 year old (who had fallen asleep on the couch). The look on his face was absolutely priceless. It was a mixture of confusion and disgust, all topped with the look of "this is what woke me up???" I quickly started to explain my pain in the ass, but he wasn't hearing it.
I sent him to his bed. Wonder if he's having nightmares now?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Sucky Day
Today has been such a sucky day. Sucky is just the right word for it. It started out when I couldn't fall asleep last night until around 5 in the morning. I managed to get up yelling and screaming at the boys to hurry up and get out the door. They were running late and as they went out the door, our puppy, Jasmine went out with them to do her thing. She usually runs around them while they wait for the bus, then comes home and barks to be let in when she's done playing.
Since I had only had about an hour of sleep, I conked out for another few minutes of snooze time before getting up to get dressed for the dreaded meeting at the school to address (yet again) my second grader's lack of motivation, skill, knowledge, whatever is holding him back. Third year in a row that NOTHING is getting done about his education. I'm usually made to feel like I'm a terrible mother and I go home with my tail between my legs. I expected no less today.
I opened the door to let in Jasmine, but she wasn't there. I called her. Nothing. I figured she was digging holes in Grandma's garden next door and decided that was more fun that coming inside. We got in the truck and left our drive and as we approached Grandma's drive, I saw her. She was already gone. Hubby pulled over so I could check, but it was too late. I couldn't stop the tears. There was nothing I could do at that moment. I was late for the meeting at the school. So, I cried all the way there.
Once I got to the meeting, I told them what had just happened. They said they had just been discussing how great Jasmine had been for my son this summer. Oye. Took a lot to keep the tears in right then. We had education to discuss.. Which leads me to the next part of my sucky day.
My child has issues. Deep, complex issues. Among them, ADHD, ODD, anxiety, mood disorder-NOS (not otherwise specified), encopresis and enuresis. Oh, and we buried his baby brother three years ago. Not exactly something that cheers a kid up. Depression was brought up today too. Bipolar raised its head again as well. I don't care that the word bipolar was said, as a matter of fact, I have a bit of a tangent here... What's wrong with giving someone a diagnosis of being bipolar? His therapist claims that "labeling" a child with something so "harsh" would follow him for the rest of his life. Uh, yeah, isn't that the point? If a child had asthma, wouldn't you want people to know so that they could react and treat the child if he had an asthma attack? If my child does ever get the diagnosis of bipolar, I would not hide it. I have depression. Mental illness needs to have the stigma taken away so that more of us can get the help we need.
So, back to the meeting. We finally got a 504 plan signed. I asked why we keep going round and round and nothing is getting done. No screenings, no special education. Guess what I was told. Yep. My fault. I'm supposed to be sitting down with him and MAKING him do homework every night, then signing my name to the paper in his backpack, proving I MADE him. How do I make an 8 year old with these issues do anything? He poops his pants every time he gets nervous or upset. He acts out. He destroys things. I may be out of line with my thinking, but back when I was in school, the TEACHERS did the educating. Blah, blah, blah. Now I am setting a timer for 15 minutes every day after school and torturing my child to learn when obviously, he isn't. I'm supposed to follow this plan of action for 5 weeks, meet again with the school and maybe by Christmas, they'll test him for special education.
To be perfectly honest, if I didn't have to work full time, I would homeschool him. I have an 8 year old who can barely read and hates school. I have been told two years in a row that he can't do any work without one on one assistance. Oh, how he would thrive if I could homeschool him and give him that one on one, but alas, I'm a slave to the establishment. Meaning I need my job to fund my internet addiction. Not really. Wait, yeah, I would work for bandwidth if I could.
Now to round out my perfectly dreadful day. Came home, took puppy out to the farm and gave her a beautiful final resting place. Took a nap for about an hour before the kids came home and I had to break the news to them. Tortured the boy with reading for 15 minutes (lots of whining, crying and telling me he didn't know the words). Then it was off to work...
My day ended with a horrendous busy day. An hour after I get there, a woman pees the floor while waiting in line for the restroom. I had the pleasure of mopping up her piss. I'm seeing the comedy of it all now, but in the moment, I was begging for hazard pay.. in my head.
Tomorrow is a new day. Let's hope all of my sucky stuff is over now. And I really, really miss my little dog. *sniff*
Since I had only had about an hour of sleep, I conked out for another few minutes of snooze time before getting up to get dressed for the dreaded meeting at the school to address (yet again) my second grader's lack of motivation, skill, knowledge, whatever is holding him back. Third year in a row that NOTHING is getting done about his education. I'm usually made to feel like I'm a terrible mother and I go home with my tail between my legs. I expected no less today.
I opened the door to let in Jasmine, but she wasn't there. I called her. Nothing. I figured she was digging holes in Grandma's garden next door and decided that was more fun that coming inside. We got in the truck and left our drive and as we approached Grandma's drive, I saw her. She was already gone. Hubby pulled over so I could check, but it was too late. I couldn't stop the tears. There was nothing I could do at that moment. I was late for the meeting at the school. So, I cried all the way there.
Once I got to the meeting, I told them what had just happened. They said they had just been discussing how great Jasmine had been for my son this summer. Oye. Took a lot to keep the tears in right then. We had education to discuss.. Which leads me to the next part of my sucky day.
My child has issues. Deep, complex issues. Among them, ADHD, ODD, anxiety, mood disorder-NOS (not otherwise specified), encopresis and enuresis. Oh, and we buried his baby brother three years ago. Not exactly something that cheers a kid up. Depression was brought up today too. Bipolar raised its head again as well. I don't care that the word bipolar was said, as a matter of fact, I have a bit of a tangent here... What's wrong with giving someone a diagnosis of being bipolar? His therapist claims that "labeling" a child with something so "harsh" would follow him for the rest of his life. Uh, yeah, isn't that the point? If a child had asthma, wouldn't you want people to know so that they could react and treat the child if he had an asthma attack? If my child does ever get the diagnosis of bipolar, I would not hide it. I have depression. Mental illness needs to have the stigma taken away so that more of us can get the help we need.
So, back to the meeting. We finally got a 504 plan signed. I asked why we keep going round and round and nothing is getting done. No screenings, no special education. Guess what I was told. Yep. My fault. I'm supposed to be sitting down with him and MAKING him do homework every night, then signing my name to the paper in his backpack, proving I MADE him. How do I make an 8 year old with these issues do anything? He poops his pants every time he gets nervous or upset. He acts out. He destroys things. I may be out of line with my thinking, but back when I was in school, the TEACHERS did the educating. Blah, blah, blah. Now I am setting a timer for 15 minutes every day after school and torturing my child to learn when obviously, he isn't. I'm supposed to follow this plan of action for 5 weeks, meet again with the school and maybe by Christmas, they'll test him for special education.
To be perfectly honest, if I didn't have to work full time, I would homeschool him. I have an 8 year old who can barely read and hates school. I have been told two years in a row that he can't do any work without one on one assistance. Oh, how he would thrive if I could homeschool him and give him that one on one, but alas, I'm a slave to the establishment. Meaning I need my job to fund my internet addiction. Not really. Wait, yeah, I would work for bandwidth if I could.
Now to round out my perfectly dreadful day. Came home, took puppy out to the farm and gave her a beautiful final resting place. Took a nap for about an hour before the kids came home and I had to break the news to them. Tortured the boy with reading for 15 minutes (lots of whining, crying and telling me he didn't know the words). Then it was off to work...
My day ended with a horrendous busy day. An hour after I get there, a woman pees the floor while waiting in line for the restroom. I had the pleasure of mopping up her piss. I'm seeing the comedy of it all now, but in the moment, I was begging for hazard pay.. in my head.
Tomorrow is a new day. Let's hope all of my sucky stuff is over now. And I really, really miss my little dog. *sniff*
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Too Tired to Care
I'm tired. Exhausted most days. Today is no exception. I slept for about 8 hours, but after I woke up, I realized why I was so tired. I have a horrible habit. It's called snooze. I am subconsciously hitting the snooze button repeatedly while sleeping, essentially keeping myself from having a good night's sleep. I try very hard to awaken when I am supposed to, but hours later I find I have slept through putting the kids on the bus, doctor's appointments, getting to the bank before closing, and who knows what else. I have found that staying up all night is the best way to get the kids on the bus. Haven't figured out the rest yet.
I have the night off tonight, so I think I'm going to try to catch a nap. I wish I knew what my body wanted. It feels like it wants sleep all. the. time. Sleep deprivation is no joke. I have headaches. My fingers and eyes twitch. I hurt all over. Blogging through crossed eyes is not a lot of fun either.
So, if you're wondering why the blog is off to a slow start, the answer is simple.
I'm sleeping.
I have the night off tonight, so I think I'm going to try to catch a nap. I wish I knew what my body wanted. It feels like it wants sleep all. the. time. Sleep deprivation is no joke. I have headaches. My fingers and eyes twitch. I hurt all over. Blogging through crossed eyes is not a lot of fun either.
So, if you're wondering why the blog is off to a slow start, the answer is simple.
I'm sleeping.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Who AM I??
I turned 40 today. Not sure how I'm feeling about that. I guess I'm okay with that, but I think it's just because I can't do anything about it. I had the day off from work... I'm a cashier at a convenience store... I started my day by sleeping in. Then I went to lunch with the hubs. We decided to walk off our lunch at the Peddler's Mall. Kind of like an indoor flea market. We were looking for giant glass jars with lids to store hot peppers. We found just one jar. Oh well. It was still an adventure. Not a bad way to spend a birthday. Nice boring day. Boring is good. Here's why..
Five years ago, I had a baby. I blogged about our lives here. He was born premature with congenital heart defects. Our lives were NEVER boring. Doctor's appointments, oxygen deliveries, suctioning his trach, attempting sleep. And then he died. I can't even go into that grief. Feel free to read my other blog for those feelings.
So, I've dealt with the grief. Or should I say, it deals with me. We don't get along. I don't want to say I've moved on with my life, but I don't know how else to phrase it. I've entered a new chapter in my life? I guess that sounds more appropriate. My life is nothing like it was three years ago, five years ago, or even fifteen years ago. I'm a long book. Lots of chapters.
This is my latest chapter.
I live with my hubby and two of our boys on a small farm. It's not ours, we just live here. The land belongs to hubby's family and we are so grateful they let us live here, because it's my idea of Heaven. Our closest neighbors are a football field's length away. That's probably a good idea, considering what we do with all this yard... We raise chickens. Not everyone appreciates the crow of a rooster, but hubby and I adore the sounds. As of now we have about 20 chickens. We're getting about 5 eggs a day from our 5 older chickens and once our younger flock starts producing, we will start incubating. Once we've grown the flock, we can start selling eggs and chickens.
We tried a small garden this year. The broccoli went seed the second it bloomed, the cauliflower died, the cabbage grew, but the deer and bugs really liked it. The beans didn't survive the first week. What did grow, and grow, and grow was peppers. Bell peppers, jalapenos and banana peppers. We got a little bit of zucchini too, but nowhere near the steady supply of peppers. We spent this evening chopping and canning them.
Tangent.... Why is it called "canning" when it's actually going into JARS?? Just askin'
I guess that's a little bit of my life. Once you get to know me, you'll see I'm just a regular, smart ass country girl. I usually go to work wearing a tee shirt with something on it like "I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am" or "You don't have to be crazy to work here, they'll train you". I'm fluent in sarcasm. I have a sick addiction to facebook. I once had pink hair, but it grew out and I'm too cheap to re dye it. I LOOOOOVE chocolate. My favorite foods are Chinese and Mexican. I can roll my own sushi.
I would also never stab anybody in the back. It's more satisfying to throw them under the bus. If I'm going to screw you over, I'm going to let you know to face it was me. Not that I actually would. I'm way to nice for that. I would, however, blog all about it.
Nice to meet you! Come back soon!
Five years ago, I had a baby. I blogged about our lives here. He was born premature with congenital heart defects. Our lives were NEVER boring. Doctor's appointments, oxygen deliveries, suctioning his trach, attempting sleep. And then he died. I can't even go into that grief. Feel free to read my other blog for those feelings.
So, I've dealt with the grief. Or should I say, it deals with me. We don't get along. I don't want to say I've moved on with my life, but I don't know how else to phrase it. I've entered a new chapter in my life? I guess that sounds more appropriate. My life is nothing like it was three years ago, five years ago, or even fifteen years ago. I'm a long book. Lots of chapters.
This is my latest chapter.
I live with my hubby and two of our boys on a small farm. It's not ours, we just live here. The land belongs to hubby's family and we are so grateful they let us live here, because it's my idea of Heaven. Our closest neighbors are a football field's length away. That's probably a good idea, considering what we do with all this yard... We raise chickens. Not everyone appreciates the crow of a rooster, but hubby and I adore the sounds. As of now we have about 20 chickens. We're getting about 5 eggs a day from our 5 older chickens and once our younger flock starts producing, we will start incubating. Once we've grown the flock, we can start selling eggs and chickens.
We tried a small garden this year. The broccoli went seed the second it bloomed, the cauliflower died, the cabbage grew, but the deer and bugs really liked it. The beans didn't survive the first week. What did grow, and grow, and grow was peppers. Bell peppers, jalapenos and banana peppers. We got a little bit of zucchini too, but nowhere near the steady supply of peppers. We spent this evening chopping and canning them.
Tangent.... Why is it called "canning" when it's actually going into JARS?? Just askin'
I guess that's a little bit of my life. Once you get to know me, you'll see I'm just a regular, smart ass country girl. I usually go to work wearing a tee shirt with something on it like "I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am" or "You don't have to be crazy to work here, they'll train you". I'm fluent in sarcasm. I have a sick addiction to facebook. I once had pink hair, but it grew out and I'm too cheap to re dye it. I LOOOOOVE chocolate. My favorite foods are Chinese and Mexican. I can roll my own sushi.
I would also never stab anybody in the back. It's more satisfying to throw them under the bus. If I'm going to screw you over, I'm going to let you know to face it was me. Not that I actually would. I'm way to nice for that. I would, however, blog all about it.
Nice to meet you! Come back soon!
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