Beating The Monster Down

Talking with a friend this week, I've really put my finger on what it feels like to deal daily with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. Having a mental disorder is like dealing with a giant monster. It lurks, waiting when I am most vulnerable. The depression and anxiety feed on my emotions and when the timing is just right, it attacks, trying to swallow me whole. I can feel myself being swallowed. It's suffocating and scary. I feel the need to scream or cry. I shake all over and my heart races.

As the monster engulfs me, I try to fight back, imagining that I have a big stick, fighting if off, back to its lurking corner. Most days lately, I've been successful. Other days, I need a bigger stick. Then there are the days when I am swallowed whole and there is nothing I can do but wait.

Physically, I am tired. I want to sleep. I am weepy and on edge. I don't know if a simple word will send me to tears or into a rage and then into tears. The tears fall on their own, like my emotions have taken over my tear ducts and pushed them out of my eyes without my control. The tears aren't sobs, but more of a constant trickle down my cheeks that won't stop until the overflow of emotions has returned to its previous safe level.

The anxiety is much worse than the depression these days. I worry, worry, worry. It's a constant feeling of what-ifs and whys. "I studied, but what if I didn't study enough?" "What if I don't get enough financial aid? What will I do?" "Why do I feel so inadequate in class? Don't I have a right to be here too?" "Why isn't Brandon home from school yet? The bus should have run five minutes ago." "What am I going to make for dinner that will make everyone happy?"  My brain never shuts off. Not even when I'm sleeping. My dreams are even filled with stress and worry.

Yesterday, I had a test in Music Appreciation. I've been studying all week for it. I took good notes, I read the chapter three times and even made flash cards. On my way to the test, I was feeling horrible. My stomach was upset, I was shaking, my heart racing. I zoned out to the point that my hubby gave me a friendly tap to bring me back to reality. When I asked him how he knew I was having an anxiety attack, he told me I've usually said something to him by this time in our trip. He then encouraged me and told me he knew I would do well.

I've found that the only thing to calm me down in the face of a test is copious amounts of caffeine consumed right before I head into class. At least then, I can blame my racing heart on the caffeine and not my anxiety. I get the added benefit of the caffeine helping me focus, but it's really not good for me. I need to learn new skills to deal with the monster.

For now, I continue to take my medication and keep my stick handy. My kind of depression is forever. A chemical imbalance in my brain that prevents me from having enough "happy juice". My depression is well controlled at the moment, and I continue to see a therapist to deal with my anxiety. It's not going away, but I hope with therapy and medication, I will find the tools I need to lead a life without a racing heart every time something MIGHT happen.

Until then, where's my stick?

Getting Real

College is getting real. As in really hard. Not anything I can't handle, but I'm feeling the heat being turned up. The quizzes are turning into exams, the homework is getting harder and the stress is definitely creeping up on me. I found out last night that mid terms are in about 3 weeks. When did THAT happen?

 About my grades.. I'm doing well in all of my classes, except psychology. Our first major exam was very tough and threw me off my game. I thought I had studied, but I didn't do very well. From what I gather, not many did very well anyway, so I'm in good company. Our next exam was a "take home" test. One week to complete 50 multiple choice answers, open book. Sounds easy? Seriously?? It took me two days, over an hour each time to figure out the correct answers. The exam was over parts of the brain. Mine officially hurt when I finished up and closed my book. I'm sure I got most of them correct. A couple had me questioning my answer. I hope I made the right choice. 

My Argumentative Writing class has me questioning my thoughts every time I walk into the room. I think too broadly and I'm learning to narrow down my writing to one specific idea. I also have to remember to write in third person when I'm in class or doing a homework assignment. I'm doing something right because everything I've turned in up to this point has been a great score. We actually were supposed to have that class today, but my instructor is out sick. Monday is a holiday, so technically, we're going to be a week behind once I make it back to class. I hope we can find a way to pick up the pace and stay on track. I hate getting behind in a class, then spending the next few weeks playing catch up.. Which leads me to my next class update..

Music Appreciation. In the last two weeks, we've been going over music from the Middle Ages and the Renaissance. The class is about three hours long. There's only so much Latin chanting I can take. I'm thrilled that we've just started a chapter on the Baroque period. I'm starting to recognize some of the composers now. Next week, we have a test over the Middle Ages and Renaissance. Then, once that is out of the way, we spend two weeks studying the Baroque period and we will have our midterm exam over just Baroque. It also means I need to find a concert to attend. I'm required to attend two this semester and write a review over each. My goal was to have one completed by midterm. I wanted to go see "Romeo and Juliet" (ballet), but when I went to the website to find out when and how much, I found they're using a recorded score instead of live music. The point of attending a concert would be to experience the music. I don't want to pay for something I could listen to at home. I want to experience the orchestra live. Oh well, there will be more opportunities. 

My last class update is Math. Pre-algebra. One of my friends described it best when she left a message on my Facebook that said "And Satan said: Put the alphabet in math!" That's exactly how I feel. My homework consisted of equations such as, C=xw+x...solve for w. I got it wrong because I accidentally made it "c" instead of "C" in the answer. Picky, picky! I have to take this class in order to move up to a regular college level algebra class next semester, which is what I need as a requirement for my degree. I just have to tough it out and learn everything I can, because math isn't my strongest subject and I can't put it behind me until after the next class. 

So, that's pretty much the class updates. Lots of homework and trying not to fall behind. I also now understand completely the cliche' of the college student consuming great quantities of caffeine. Iced coffee is my new best friend. 

Three Weeks!

As of today, I've been in college for three weeks. Holy crap. This past Thursday night, I had my first real exam. It was in psychology. I studied, I took notes, I wrote a page of notes in the teeniest print I could write to take with me for the test. Most of it, I knew and surprised myself, but a few questions left me wondering if we had been reading the same chapter. Speaking of chapters, I have to get this new one read before Thursday night.

Algebra is going well. I have my first exam tonight, but I'm confident I will do well. It's mostly memorizing the rules. I can use a calculator on the actual math if I need to, I just have to show my work and prove I know how I came to the answer. Should be fun. Ha.

Music...what can I say about that class? Exam tomorrow night that I need to study for tonight. I'm not sure why I need to know about tone and color as it applies to music, but I am willing to learn. I do love classical music, so at least I'm not bored. I have to pick two concerts to attend this semester and write reviews. I would love to go see the ballet, but even with my student discount, I'm not sure I could afford to attend. There's lots of free stuff on campus, but I've never been to a ballet. Maybe it's a good thing. I'm not sure I would want to be taking notes while I was trying to experience something new. The professor was kind enough to include his OWN performance as an option on our list. He also promised not to be offended if we panned him. Yeah. Uh huh. Not going to be using that one for a grade. Or do I? It's a brave, bold move... going to have to think on that one.

Argumentative writing class. Learning to write in a persuasive manner. No sarcasm. No first person. What am I going to do??? (See? Sarcasm AND first person. I just can't get away) My professor has a great personality and I love going to class. I do like that I'm learning the basics of writing and not just being told "Here's your topic. Dazzle me.". Baby steps. This weekend, I had to read a chapter in my text book and write a summary about each section using third person. I was more worried about how I was going to say what I learned instead of staying in third person. I hope I did well. I worked pretty hard on it.

I'm also still working the weekends. I take some kind of homework with me everywhere I go, so if there's a quiet morning at the store, I can read a few pages or take some notes. I can't do anything that requires more than five minutes of concentration at a time, because it never fails that the moment I get into something, I have a customer walk in. And since I'm working.. well, it's not like I can be angry with them for interrupting me.

I was able to get myself a tablet for classes last night with my financial aid. Now that I know what to expect from these classes, it's going to be easier to follow along with the power point lessons and instead of printing my algebra notes, I can pull them up on the tablet. Ink is expensive. I need to save it for my writing assignments. It's an Android device, which I LOVE. It's like my phone and laptop merged into one device. I can use it pretty much anywhere, since my phone is a wifi hotspot for it. Getting the tablet is going to be my only splurge. The rest of my financial aid is going to pay for my monthly expenses since I'm not working full time any more. The electricity has to stay on, even though I'm only working 25 hours a week.

My biggest issue has been adjusting to a new schedule. I have been a night owl for so long. I'm trying to get used to being up early and going to bed before midnight. It gives me more time to focus on my school work and lets me spend more time with my family. I'm doing pretty good with it. I have to be up early for work on the weekends, so that sets the tone for the rest of the week. If I have to be up at 5 in the morning, then I'm tired and fall asleep when I'm supposed to, instead of being wound up from working the night shift and staying up until 3 in the morning.

It's about time to get ready for my classes today. I will be sure to update with any test grades as I get them.