Talking with a friend this week, I've really put my finger on what it feels like to deal daily with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. Having a mental disorder is like dealing with a giant monster. It lurks, waiting when I am most vulnerable. The depression and anxiety feed on my emotions and when the timing is just right, it attacks, trying to swallow me whole. I can feel myself being swallowed. It's suffocating and scary. I feel the need to scream or cry. I shake all over and my heart races.
As the monster engulfs me, I try to fight back, imagining that I have a big stick, fighting if off, back to its lurking corner. Most days lately, I've been successful. Other days, I need a bigger stick. Then there are the days when I am swallowed whole and there is nothing I can do but wait.
Physically, I am tired. I want to sleep. I am weepy and on edge. I don't know if a simple word will send me to tears or into a rage and then into tears. The tears fall on their own, like my emotions have taken over my tear ducts and pushed them out of my eyes without my control. The tears aren't sobs, but more of a constant trickle down my cheeks that won't stop until the overflow of emotions has returned to its previous safe level.
The anxiety is much worse than the depression these days. I worry, worry, worry. It's a constant feeling of what-ifs and whys. "I studied, but what if I didn't study enough?" "What if I don't get enough financial aid? What will I do?" "Why do I feel so inadequate in class? Don't I have a right to be here too?" "Why isn't Brandon home from school yet? The bus should have run five minutes ago." "What am I going to make for dinner that will make everyone happy?" My brain never shuts off. Not even when I'm sleeping. My dreams are even filled with stress and worry.
Yesterday, I had a test in Music Appreciation. I've been studying all week for it. I took good notes, I read the chapter three times and even made flash cards. On my way to the test, I was feeling horrible. My stomach was upset, I was shaking, my heart racing. I zoned out to the point that my hubby gave me a friendly tap to bring me back to reality. When I asked him how he knew I was having an anxiety attack, he told me I've usually said something to him by this time in our trip. He then encouraged me and told me he knew I would do well.
I've found that the only thing to calm me down in the face of a test is copious amounts of caffeine consumed right before I head into class. At least then, I can blame my racing heart on the caffeine and not my anxiety. I get the added benefit of the caffeine helping me focus, but it's really not good for me. I need to learn new skills to deal with the monster.
For now, I continue to take my medication and keep my stick handy. My kind of depression is forever. A chemical imbalance in my brain that prevents me from having enough "happy juice". My depression is well controlled at the moment, and I continue to see a therapist to deal with my anxiety. It's not going away, but I hope with therapy and medication, I will find the tools I need to lead a life without a racing heart every time something MIGHT happen.
Until then, where's my stick?
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