How Big Can I Dream?

Dreaming big isn't a skill I have always had. Sure, I could day dream about things like what it might be like to win the lottery. Every body does that, but dreaming BIG was never something I knew how to do. Call it a self esteem issue. I spent 41 years being content in my little shell and never allowing myself to have anything for me. Life was about work, paying bills, sleeping little and eating all wrong. There was  no sunshine, just rain and at best, partly cloudy days.

Then the clouds broke. My depression lifted for the first time in, well, ever. Sure, I've been treated for depression in the past, but I came to realize I was just letting myself think that everything was as good as it got and I should just be happy with that, except I didn't know that until the clouds went away. I feel like I've never seen the sunshine until a couple of months ago. I thought I knew what happy was, but I was merely letting myself feel the "as good as it's going to get", not true happiness with myself.

MYSELF.

I've come to realize I never let myself have dreams, hope, or anything remotely good. I put the whole world before me. Little by little, I've found my self love growing and with that love, I've found the strength to dream. Dream BIG. I want a house, I want to drive my very own car, I want to work in a Children's hospital helping little kids breathe. I want that pretty chair I saw in a store window today. I dream of building my house the way I see it in my head and feel it in my heart. It's not good enough to just live in a box full of rooms. I want MY dream. I know I need a car at the moment because they're better on gas, but in my dreams, I want a big dually truck with huge stacks and mud tires so big I need a ladder to climb in. Then I'm going to paint it camo pink because that's what I see in MY dreams. My dreams take me across the country. I have so many people that I love that I want to visit.

I dream of stretching my mind. Growing and learning to earn my degree. I love school. I love it so much. I never thought I could go to school. I never allowed myself to dream I could have scored so high on my placement tests or that I would be having a psychology exam next week. I love learning so much that I take my books to work with me. I've already finished my second week of classes. It's already been two weeks. Two years will be over in the blink of an eye. My dreams are so close to coming true.